Our bride today is called Tendai Sharon aka tales by TSO, a blogger/podcaster born in Zimbabwe and raised in England, and her groom is called Dapo, a Nigerian.
She details all the lessons she learned from her wedding.
The big day has finally arrived! After all the days, weeks, months spent having discussion on discussion about the dress, debating with the caterer and going back and forth with the guest list – your wedding day is finally here!
When I look back on my day I remember waking up and not quite believing the day had actually arrived. It’s such a strange feeling, like obviously this is what you’ve been working up to but on that day, it felt like I was having a complete outer body experience. Everyone kept asking how I felt and being honest each time I replied “I don’t know, feel like it’s just happening around me”. All in all, I had a beautiful wedding day and it was truly worth all the hard work leading up to it. And probably better than any fairy-tale that I could have imagined myself.
But I definitely did learn a few things that in my planning mode, I could not have anticipated:
Make sure you have a team
Ultimately, in the entire planning process you don’t realise how much you are the connecting dots for a lot of the things that will happen on your day. Make sure you have a team to help you throughout the planning process but importantly on the big day. As someone who did a lot of the wedding planning on my own, I sourced my own vendors which meant I had a lot of conversations with them around what I wanted, expected and what they could deliver. If I hadn’t had a team of people working with me the day itself would have been chaotic trying to manage those relationships because no one else would have known what was supposed to happen, what time such was arriving and anything in between. So, for my wedding day I realised how blessed I was to have a team of people who had everything handled. I mean everything! – Even when things weren’t going according to plan they made me feel at complete ease.
Things will go wrong
So, here’s the thing folks, all the planning beforehand is useful and paramount to the success of your day. BUT on the day… Something will go wrong. That is just a fact. The sooner you accept it, the better.
And it might not be something that goes so wrong that it’s the end of the world, but little things will. For example, I didn’t get all the pictures I would have liked. I literally had a list of all the pictures I wanted, grouping individuals, family members etc. but on the day it was near on impossible to achieve any of that because there’s 300+ people around who have a mind of their own! And that’s the thing with the planning process vs the day itself, you can’t quite predict how people will behave and the people management is real. And that’s not just from a logistics point of view but emotional too.
Another thing, my MC was very late. I mean VERY late. And that had a knock-on effort on the rest of the program. Again, I bring up the team. Have people in your circle who are confident and well-spoken who can run the show if it comes to it. Had I known I would have happily paid my brother in law the fee that MC charged me, and we would have had a great time, alas it’s all in the past! Do you have any back up friends/family who could step in should you need it?
That’s not all. The zipper on my second outfit, which was a beautiful burgundy lace top and skirt, made in Nigeria, broke… I mean, seriously? I had tried this outfit on so many times before and only on my wedding day does the zipper decide to break! Luckily, my wedding coordinator had a little sewing kit and literally sewed me into the top, which I only wore for about 20 mins! TIP: make sure you have a mini sewing kit handy. Whether for yourself as the bride or for the bridesmaids.
You realise how loved you are
You realise how much people just genuinely love you. As you might have guessed already, I am very big on knowing who is in my circle and who is really there for me. And from my wedding day I truly felt loved. We had guests who travelled from all over the world Zimbabwe, South Africa, Nigeria, Canada, America etc. And it’s such a humbling thing that all of these people who have watched you grow, been your friends, and loved you enough as a single being to attend your day to see you be joined with another person. People have chosen to just be there and it’s such a beautiful thing to see.
It’s such an emotional day
Back to my earlier point about the emotions. Your wedding day is an emotional overflow of love. You can’t plan for that. It’s emotional for so many reasons and to more people than you realise. You have emotions coming out of every part of you, but you are also so caught up you don’t get to process them. Like there is snapshot to snapshot of such monumental moments taking place. From the morning getting ready with the makeup artist, it was calm and peaceful, I’ll never forget that morning I just had some gospel music on, some nice breakfast and champaz – perfect. Then before I knew it my mother was walking me down the aisle and I was worrying about tripping over my dress and then realising there are 100s of eyes only on you. Then all of a sudden you forget everyone is around and you catch a glimpse of your future husband who is at the end of the aisle waiting for you. Like there he is, waiting for YOU. And you realise that a WHOLE YOU is worth waiting for. In that exact moment you think of every past pain, trauma, hurt or anyone who has ever told you that you are not deserving of being waited for. But there you walking down the aisle. Then the rest of the day unfolds, honestly the day flies by! I had plenty of tear worthy moments and in my planning process I definitely thought I’m sure I will cry when this happens or when this happens. But nope! I was very surprised.
Just because you paid, doesn’t mean you eat.
Even with all the discussions with the caterer, all the saving and all the menu picking. My husband and I ordered a takeaway the night of our wedding!
My advice is to make sure you have a hearty breakfast, you won’t regret it! It’s just such a busy day, and you’re going from picture to picture to dancing to pictures to speeches to pictures, to broken zips to pictures. You get the drift by now!
The wedding night is a myth.
Sorry to be the one to break it to you. You are just tired.com and everything else happening takes priority. I mean you have the rest of forever to get on with all that, right? So, rest on your wedding night, you’ll need that energy for your honeymoon.
Advice for the brides:
You my dear, like me, will soon find yourself post wedding planning and wondering what to do with your new found free time.
So whatever stage of wedding planning you may be in, just know that it will all work out. I promise, it will. You will have a beautiful day and you will not die if you choose to save some pounds by not getting those chivary chairs! I KNOW, HOW CONTROVERSIAL!!
1. Learn about what wedding planning means in your culture
Start this in your single season, if you can. It’s important to learn about your culture and what it really says about what marriage or wedding planning really entails. For example, where I am from, the Shona culture has a traditional wedding which is called “roora”. If I was serious about the road to marriage that was a big part of the process I had to understand – or rather at least know about enough to tell any guy I dated who was serious. And determine for yourself whose serious, not every guy you date is worth getting all that information out of you! In my case, it was something I had to tell my husband about pretty much at the beginning when we started dating. For me it was important to learn about what protocols existed in my culture, so I could teach him. And whether you’re dating someone from a different country or the same you’d be surprised the differences in traditions that exist.
Throughout your singleness I’d urge you to pay attention to these processes and protocols around marriage in your culture. I was lucky to have plenty of older sisters around me who were married already, so I asked a lot of questions whenever I could. You might not have sisters or female relatives to learn from, so find anyone whose experiences you might benefit from.
And whilst you’re learning about your own side, if you have met someone already then learn about their side! Ask ALL the questions. Don’t just wait for the ring to appear first. You’d be surprised how much all of this can help as an indicator of the direction your relationship is heading in.
2. Save your coin
I can’t stress this enough. You should be saving anyway, right? Well, let’s just say it took me a long time to get my act together when it came to finances. And this is something I’m still learning to this day. But I did find out that in my wedding planning process, saving money is the absolute key. And because you are working on such a big project (the wedding) with your partner, it might be the first time you integrate your finances. And you’re bound to find out that you have different spending habits!
Start thinking about your financial situation early, that way by the time you get to start the walk to marriage – the engagement, traditional wedding, wedding itself and marriage – you are already one step ahead.
The point here is simply, just start being financially conscious about the decisions you are making now. Even if you don’t know whether a wedding is something in the pipeline for you. It’s just about enabling yourself to be in a better position to start once you get there.
It will give you a great foundation for your future household too!
3. Stick to what you like
Pay attention to the things that you actually like. The world of wedding planning comes with a plethora of things to choose from – deco, catering, entertainment and so on and so on. Get to know the things you like before you get to the planning stage. If you can start getting familiar with the types of things you like it will be a good way to prevent getting lost in the sauce of wedding planning! There’s plenty of ways you can do this, whether you create a mood board for yourself on paper or use the many online platforms available out there e.g. Pinterest, Instagram. I personally loved Pinterest and had a board for different categories to start gathering ideas. It was also useful because I shared my boards with my sisters and maid of honour, so they could get a sense of the things I liked too. This was a major help later on – just helps ease up your mental capacity!
(You can have a look at my Pinterest board if you want some ideas for an autumn wedding)
And please don’t forget your partner in all these things! They might have some ideas on how they want their day to look like too. And it helps avoiding any miscalculated assumptions. God forbid you hate bright colours and your partner is plotting to wear a neon pink suit!!
There’s 101 things you can include in your wedding, just be sure the choices you make are the best for you.
4. Prioritise what’s important
Now that you know what you both like, it’s time to prioritise. Remember we are trying to save money and stick to what we like here. And for most of us that might mean having to pick and choose here and there. So, make conscious decisions and spend where necessary. Like I said about the chivary chairs, I did like them and the effect they have on deco but when it came to the cost of said chairs, saving my coin was the priority.
Weddings are beautiful and special but so is the marriage that comes after the big day.
Are you thinking about the life you will have after the wedding? Setting your priorities as you plan will make all the difference.
Here’s what setting priorities looked like for us when we were planning… We decided that photography, catering and the DJ were the really important parts for us because we wanted great pictures to look back on, we wanted our guests to enjoy the food and we wanted to turn up! It was that simple. This meant we were willing to pay more for those 3 things and then take alternatives with everything else. That was our version of prioritising. With my deco, I loved tall centrepieces but the cost per table was too high, which meant I alternated between short centrepieces and tall ones. And that was an easy solution for me to get what I wanted and still not break the bank.
5. Understand the expectations of your key stakeholders
Now this point might not be a favourite for everyone but hear me. Your key stakeholder’s expectations are good to know. Who are your key stakeholders? This is a term I use to refer to everyone whose close and dear to me, so my husband, parents and siblings. These are people who mean a lot to me and whose opinions matter to me.
If like me you come from an African family. It’s good to know what your stakeholders think and expect. That’s not to say you have to do what they want but trust me it helps in managing those expectations and it can make your wedding planning process that little bit easier.
Remember I’m coming from a perspective of mixing cultures, whilst I was learning about them at the same time. For us it was easier to manage expectations and manoeuvre through any challenges because we knew what our stakeholders wanted. Rather than just being all “we want this, therefore that’s how it is”. It might not be the same for you, but it could help you too. When you’re in the dating and courting season it’s just the two of you, right? Once you start wedding planning you are joining two families together and best believe everyone has their own idea of how the day should go! So, you might as well take the time to understand what your stakeholders think when you kick off your wedding planning.
There are plenty of things that I learnt from my own wedding planning experience and similar stories from other brides, but ultimately once that ring appears – things change. Before the ring, anything is fair game, and you can have whatever wedding you like because it’s just you and your partner getting through life. Once the ring is there you are now joining two families, two cultures and to your surprise different expectations to balance. So, get to know your stakeholder’s views and dodge any unwanted drama!
6. Do your research
The wedding world is crazy, there are so many choices, so many vendors and so many different ways to do the same thing. Doing your research will help you in the long run. Also, it will be useful when you start talking to your vendors. Everyone is trying to make money and if you start getting in touch with vendors without a benchmark of costs or how much you are willing to spend on a specific thing, then you could end up paying a lot more than you need to.
And know this, there’s always a cheaper alternative to what you want ALWAYS. I live by that. Be wise about who or what you choose and of course remember that quality matters above everything but so does the coin! For example I chose not to go with charger plates. Now they look lovely for deco and I would have loved them but here is the breakdown that changed my mind…We had a wedding for 300 guests. Yep! That’s correct, 300. Now each guest needs to eat, so we had 300 plates obviously. To each plate – which we are paying for – comes a charger plate, which you pay for!
A plate costs £1.50 per person = £450. Now a charger plate, which comes in all sorts of styles and colours, costs £3 so that means it will cost us £900.Meaning, for each guest to have a plate to eat from and one to look at = £1,350.
And we haven’t even looked at the cost of the food yet! I chose to go without charger plates and use the £900 on something else. But that was a personal decision, which was on based the research I did comparing what was available, sticking to what I liked, prioritising what was important and 100% saving my coin because I was thinking ahead to the life after the wedding.
IG : @tso_9_
Twitter : @by_tso
Photography by Noble (for all pics)
satisfashionug@gmail.com
