A few months back, a relative tried to set me up with a guy. Like me, he liked Tupac, he wasn’t in dire financial straits and was open to settling down. The only catch was that HE did not know he was being set up!
After an evening of talking to him in a group setting, I realised that he would not be a good match. So here’s the response to all the relatives and casual acquaintances who ask, ‘What are you waiting for?’ It’s not because I don’t want to settle down; I do want to but viable candidates are few. As the well-attended Speed dating event organised by Can we talk proved, I am not alone.
Can we Talk is an organisation that specialises in fostering meaningful conversations. It made sense then that they would organise this speed dating event. Unlike my blind date, here, both parties know why they are there and in fact, both make the choice. It starts with applying for the event, being selected and then paying to attend. In this way, only serious people filter through.
As the event drew closer, myself and those I had told were giddy with excitement. What would it be like? Would I meet someone worth going on a second date with? What would I wear? I chose one dress and at the last minute went for a different one.
Because an event like this requires a lot of trust, we were asked not to take pictures of people, and in keeping with that, I will not be describing anyone I met, only my experience. Spoilers, it was great and you should go, particularly if you are a man seeking a mate.
At the event
Like at a secondary school dance, it all started with girls on one end of the room and boys on the other. I found this cute. It went on until the organisers came to let us know that the event had begun. The girls would remain seated and boys would move from chair to chair. This way, everyone would get to talk to everyone.
Every pair would be given a few minutes to talk before our time keeper would ring the bell to signal that it was time to move. That chime would become the humorous sound track of the evening.
To aid conversation along, there were the Can we talk conversation cards (Dating edition). These proved really helpful! Through them I found out something about myself that I now think is a deal breaker… Politics! Gasp!
The question went something like, ‘Do you follow politics and what are your thoughts?’ When I found out this gentleman’s views did not align with mine, I could literally hear the doors of my openness with him closing. This, despite the fact that the conversation had been going well.
Other sharp questions on the cards were; ‘What are your views on casual sex?’ to which everyone said they weren’t a fan. When I relayed this to my male friend after the event, he said ‘They were lying to you’. Perhaps they were. However, most said it is something they had tried before and now found unfulfilling. I concur.
As the evening wore on, what had started as tentative conversations in low tones turned into a full blown loud mixer. It seemed that the bell would ring right at the moment the conversations were getting juicy. ‘What happened with your ex?’ Well she…(insert sound of bell ringing and then the room groaning in disapproval). But this was the point, to pique your interest, and if you wanted to, you could reach out to know more about that person.
One of the things that had driven me to the event was this: that both men and women were being vulnerable enough to admit that they were looking for a mate.
As you know, in this society, as in many others, needing to settle down seems to be the preserve of women, even though both parties benefit when they do. Despite that, there is this paradoxical thing where you shouldn’t actually say too loudly that you want a long term commitment, especially to a man you like. There is some shame attached to being that vulnerable. I was so interested to find men who were open enough to say it.
There were a few who did, but more said they were there for fun. Or to try a new thing, (not much to do in this city apparently) or to make friends. When I pressed, most admitted that fine, OK, they want to meet someone but friends and chill first.
I also gathered that men want the room to talk, to connect and have deep conversations but that they do not have the avenues for this. A loud bar with your regular crew may not make for great bonding. But that’s a story for another day.
By contrast, the women I spoke to articulated that they were there to meet a match. ‘I have enough friends.’ One said. This reminded me of Chimamanda’s words in Dear Ijeawele, ‘We condition girls to aspire to marriage and we do not condition boys to aspire to marriage.’ (Read it)
And then I met him!
Honestly, talking to him was like opening a window to let the sunlight into a room. If you have met Kampala men, you might be convinced that the majority are… (fill in the appropriate adjectives) but this one was kind, open, and valued those things. If only he had been older?
Don’t tell me he was acting or that if I’d gotten to know him I’d see his bad side. Just let me dream. A friend summarised it clearly when she said he made me feel hopeful. That if someone like him exists, there must be a good number of them out there.
The first thing my editor asked me when I pitched this story was-did I feel safe? Safety of course is a big thing, especially for women. I did feel safe. I think the organisers did a good job of ‘curating’ the guest list. And of course, the presence of other women helped.
Are you hopeful single ready to put yourself out there in 2024? The next speed dating event will be on April 13th. Check the Can we Talk pages for details.
SatisfashionUg@gmail.com
