Fashion Police Returns! Zuena, Anne Kansiime, Pia Pounds, Fille, A Pass and more On The Chopping Board

Ah yes. We’re back like we never left. I won’t waste your time introducing the column again, you know what we do here. We sit and brutally critique the wardrobes of the rich and famous. Shall we?

Meghan Markle

Meg. Honey. I love you with all of my heart, but come on??? We get that your wardrobe choices are limited via spontaneity because royalty, but sis-we’ve seen you do better. Anyway this was for the Lion King premiere so maybe you were prepped for Mufasa’s funeral. In that case…how thoughtful of you. It’s a clean look. Too almost too clean. Won’t remember it. 5 out of 10. Next!

Pia Pounds

Can’t say that I can complain. Can’t say that I’m blown away either. The mustard-hued heels are a nice touch. But they are the only things saving this “Outfit”. The silver buttons are pointless, annoying and make my eyes unhappy. Okay I was wrong, I can actually complain. I don’t like the dress. It’s either the color, the cut, the fitting at the center or the silver button thingies or all four. Probably all four. 4 out of 10 for getting your make up brilliantly done.

Zuena

I hate fanny packs almost as much as I hate biker shorts (or whatever it is that they call that fabric confusedly hugging your thighs) This is a good look…is what I would have said if we were living in 2014 presently but alas, color me unimpressed. Once again, it’s the shoes to the rescue, but even they couldn’t salvage this thoughtless ensemble. I will however give you points for stepping out of your comfort zone with the casual apparel. Four out of ten.

Anne Kansiime 

I’m torn. The top half of this look says I’m your chic professional girlfriend but the bottom half says I’m your chic professional girlfriend’s grandmother. I get that the flare is intentional but I’m just worried that you’ll be blown away if a strong gust of wind picks up. It’s slightly too wide for my liking. Slightly. Minor flaw and I’m feeling benevolent. Also the colored detail on the top paired with the gold jewelry is a nice touch. I’ll give it a pass. 6.5 Out of 10.

Cate Ayellah

(Sigh) You know those poorly edited pictures where a person is so obviously edited into the background and it’s so horrendous it actually becomes funny? Maybe it’s just my eyes…

Okay so I Love the shoes, love the jewelry, love the top, love the pants. I love everything…individually. Together as a piece, engh-It’s not really doing it for me exactly-especially the pants. There’s an element of scruffiness the belt brings in so it’s taking away more value than its bringing. Five out of ten because my mom raised me to be a nice person and I love the sleek haircut.

Fille

I absolutely adore the hair, nails and earrings. Y’all remember tipsy from telly-tubbies? Fille, I’mma be honest with you, the shoes don’t match the outfit. Or rather, the outfit doesn’t match the shoes. The whole look is baggy and rumpled which saddens me greatly because it had so much potential. It looks like the outfit is wearing you and not the other way around. 4.5 Out of 10. This is peak generosity on my part

Zari

I hate orange-but for this look, I’m willing to concede. It’s nothing new, but it’s well put together with the knee-high boots and the platinum-blonde hair. Sis just raised the bar a little higher for everyone else…7 out of 10.

Maya B. Aliza

This…is actually pretty good. Like can’t imagine an occasion where I’d have to dress up like this but it’s working. This outfit is weird (in a good way) because it borrows pieces from other aesthetics and yet manages to blend them so seamlessly. The casual royal blue tank top with the baby pink flare bottoms I particularly like. Plus I’m one of those people who believes you can throw a leather jacket on anything. The nude-hued makeup off-sets the entire outfit beautifully. 7 out of 10.

Yeeees to whatever the heck is happening in this picture. Not sure about the practicality of print on print, and I have a feeling this look is much better in photography than in real life. But honestly I was SOLD as soon as I saw the pink hair. It’s hard to go wrong with colorless heels. SO yeah, 8 out of 10 for finally bringing an invigorating look to this list!

MC Esco and Rachel K

Whew. It’s so weird to see such beautiful people wearing such unflattering garments. Where do I even start? MC Esco. It’s like the two ugliest coats in the world got married and you’re wearing their baby. Everything else is unmemorable, bland. The pants look like they had a chance to fit but they chose not to.  Don’t get me started on the shoes. 3 -and I honestly wanted to give less-out of 10.

Rachel K. If we were grading smiles you’d have top marks. The cut of the dress complement’s your figure stupendously. Unfortunately, I have to consider the whole outfit. I dislike black at celebratory events (If that wasn’t obvious already) Short of your spectacles-which technically don’t even count because I assume you need them to see…there is no pop of color. Perhaps your shoes have some color? We would not know because they’re hidden under that flowing mass of fabric that saw it fit to have not one but TWO mermaid tails. Hopefully you’re not left handed because otherwise that extra fabric on your sleeve would prove more of a disturbance than it already is to our eyes. If you think 5 out of 10 is harsh imagine how it felt for me having to look at that awkward arm extension.

Spice Diana

8 out of 10. I’m not one for sharp contrast like black on lime green but I love this look. The hair and makeup are on point. The dress is adorable. It’s simple. It’s elegant. It’s bedazzled but not over the top. It’s enough.

FifiDaQueen

I was happy. Then I saw this. Now I’m sad. Very very sad. Everyone just…grab a sweet treat like candy or sugar because the truth is rather bitter. Okay I’m going to ask. Why? For what inane reason could one possibly see it fit to don the office equivalent of a prison uniform? Why. Nothing fit just right. This is awkward for everyone. The hair didn’t help at all. You know that hair style reserved for quarrelsome aunties at family gatherings? It’s time to stop honestly. When I round up 2.5 you get 3 out of ten. Please don’t do this again.

Malaika

This outfit is so safe I can’t find a flaw worth crucifying you over. Except for that fact that in my books, safe is synonymous with boring. I’m bored. I won’t remember this ever. Also I hate the shoes. 5 out of 10.

A Pass

Men. Gather around and take notes. This is how you dress to an event. Color, vibrancy and personality. I’m not sure the nude shoes are doing it for me but the suiiiiiit. 8 out of 10.

Sis come through with the Aladdin pants and sequined pearl fishnets. Come through with the deep teal blazer and matching accessories. Yes. Finally! FINALLY!!!! 10 out of 10. I have no complaints. The gods of fashion have been appeased.

Florence Kasumba

Give me a moment to unpack this. It’s all too much. With the shoulder-bonnet-shrug-jacket-thing. The pattern itself is lovely but what in heaven’s name is going on Florence dear? Hair and jewelry looking fly but your outfit is preventing me from seeing your outfit. 6 out of 10.

Beyonce

Love a lady who sticks to a theme. We expected no less than this from the lion queen herself- but we also expected more. I love the effortless way the garment wraps itself around your bod. Feels like somethings missing though. 9 out of 10.

Gigi Hadid

Whoever designed this particular piece reached the knees and suddenly remembered they had to make the outfit interesting. Instead it came of as quirky in the negative sense. I’m struggling to love it but I’m failing. It’s a beautiful color though. 5 out of 10.

Rita Dominic

Ughhhh. Just when I’d given up hope on humanity. You’re doing amazing sweetie! 10 out of 10. Everything is right. The fitting, The hair, The jewelry, the SHOES…. Honestly-day made.

Yemi Alade

You’ve just made me momentarily forget everything about hating black on celebratory occasions. Okay, this is how you do it. I particularly like that you’ve strayed from the norm of long flowy dresses. I’m in love with the top, one theme with the zebra aesthetic. This is a clearly well-thought out look. 9.5 Out of 10. (Still don’t agree with full black at such an event)

What are your thoughts? I’ve done my part, do the same in the comment section below.

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