How To Look Like ‘One of the Boys’ When You Watch The World Cup With Your Crush

Okay, the World Cup has been going on for a few weeks now and as the tournament intensifies, your crush has nothing else on his mind but football. Is Cameroon going to manage? Where is Messi? I know you feel a bit left out and want to include your face in his thoughts, using football as a proxy. But let’s be honest, you couldn’t care less about this ball that is being kicked around and causing a frenzy in the crowd of frothing fans. You’d much rather be watching Blood and Water, something with plot and stakes so high you get dizzy sometimes

Despite this you don’t want to look like a novice who has to have every single thing explained to them. You know why you’re here – you want to be the “cool girl” who can hang. The girl who’s first choice drink is a cold beer, the girl who doesn’t care about makeup. You want to be the girl who can be interchanged with his homeboy, and as such slither your way into his life. I have simple cheat codes to help you follow along with the game of football (because even Google makes it sound like rocket science at this point)

1.Pay attention to what team he’s supporting:

If you celebrate when France beats Argentina, and your crush is a Messi fan, might as well forget your chances. First watch and see who he’s rooting for, then join in like you were with him all along! 

2.Offside explained:

When a player is heading towards a goal they want to score into, they cannot pass the ball to another player who is ahead of all the defenders of the opposing team. I guess it’s to keep things fair? I don’t know. All I know is it’san annoying rule – if my guy is faster than your guy, why make it my problem? 

3. No hands!:

The game is football, so clearly hands are a no no. Even an arm brushing on the ball can lead to a freekick or penalty for the other team. I don’t know why this rule doesn’t apply to other non-foot body parts like the chest or head, but that’s none of our business, sis. 

4. They switch places after half time:

In case their uniforms get a little confusing, note that the teams switch places at half time (45 minutes in). You might celebrate a goal you weren’t supposed to, but I’ve got your back, girl. Keep an eye out. 

5. The cards explained:

They use the Yellow and Red card system. If a yellow card is awarded, that’s a warning. Red cards are saved for really bad, intentional fouls. That immediately takes one out of the game, and get this – the team cannot replace him with anyone else. So they have to play with less men on the field. A small maths equation to keep in mind: 2 yellow cards = 1 red card. 

This is by no means a complete guide, but at least the obvious questions won’t come up. If you really are a Pick me, I hope you get picked by your crush. It’s usually not worth it to change your likes and dislikes to be appealing to someone else but hey, the heart wants what it wants. This is a judgement free zone. Just be ready to console him when his team loses. Resist the urge to laugh at his heightened emotional response to A GAME. A LITERAL GAME. 

satisfashionug@gmail.com