For many, the feelings surrounding pregnancy and motherhood are feelings of anxiety, curiosity, apprehension, and some excitement. Enter Chantal. (not real name) Chantal, 33, welcomed her first child, a healthy baby girl with her husband nineteen months ago. She shares with us her journey so far raising her little girl, lessons she learnt, and things she would do different;
I was very excited.
Everything is so exciting; from when you first find out you’re pregnant, to feeling the baby kick for the first time. The fact that a whole person was going to come out of my body was so mind blowing. How is a whole person going to come out of my body?
There’s also excitement to meet your child. Are they going or look like you? Are they going to look like your partner? Are they going to look like both? I was just excited to meet my child, and was already picturing the life I was going to have with this person I would be taking care of.
The experience for me started when I found out I was pregnant, but the experience with other people begins when the bump starts to show.
My bump showed at 8 months. (Which was a disadvantage because no one could tell I was pregnant so I didn’t get any special treatment. I was required to line up in that Airtel queue like everyone else haha.)
I was glowing. I looked nice, and I was happy.
I threw up a lot.
You hear stories about morning sickness and throwing up during pregnancy, but think, ‘How bad could it really be?’ I was not prepared for how much I would throw up. For the first three months of the pregnancy, I was only eating weetabix, toasted bread, and matooke and ground nut sauce. Now, that’s good I can’t eat anymore, cause I ate too much of it.
Strangers may have no boundaries.
When my bump started to show, people would walk up to me and give me advice like they knew me. I’d just be walking and someone I don’t know would walk up to me and say, ‘ You can you push?’
People think that all of a sudden because people can see your tummy, they can advise you and share their unsolicited opinions about your pregnancy. That really annoyed me.
I get why people fear pregnant people because someone can annoy you, and you just become tough. That was my demeanour the whole pregnancy. I always had sarcastic comments waiting, and I would snap at strangers who tried to be in my business.
I was spitting all the time.
I absolutely hated the taste of my own saliva, so I was always spitting. My doctor had thought it would stop after the first trimester, but it went on until the baby was out of me.
A good doctor is very important.
It’s important to have a good doctor. I realised this after I talked to many women and they had doctors that didn’t really care, and didn’t ask the important questions, and they ended up having complications. Their doctors were not as receptive to questions, and were not readily available. (I could text mine incase I needed anything) My doctor was very positive. I’m really small, and people expected that I would have some complications. But I had absolutely none, and my doctor reassured me throughout the pregnancy that there would be none.
It made a difference having someone on my side.
I didn’t expect all the criticism around how a woman gives birth.
There’s a lot of criticism around how women give birth— whether it’s by C-section or normal delivery. My gosh! People treat C-section like ‘Naye you also, how were you not able to push a baby by yourself’ and yet C-section is mostly used in an emergency situation. You could have been planning to push the baby, but then their amblical code wraps around their neck. You just have to do a C-section. The point is to have the baby out safely. It shouldn’t matter how. There’s a lot of stigma around C-sections.
It’s important to get help.
You should have a place to go for a few weeks or months right after you give birth. I think when you give birth, your hormones are on steroids haha. There are so many emotions, but also you time away to take care of your baby, and yourself, and not have to worry about housework. You should be able to wake up just to feed the baby and yourself, and that’s all.
I was so sure I would come home right after, but at the last minute a friend offered that I go and stay with them, so I went and stayed two weeks. It was so good, because when I came back home I even missed it. It was so helpful, and I got to sleep. If you have that option, take it.
I wish I’d stayed at my friend’s place for maybe two months, until I felt like I’d gotten the hang of things.
One thing that I didn’t anticipate is how hard it would be without help.
I didn’t sleep.
People say you won’t sleep and it’s true, cause the baby wakes you up, but some people sleep. I couldn’t sleep because I was scared, ‘what if I roll over the baby, and suffocate her.’ But also I had insomnia since my second trimester. I’ve only just started sleeping better, and that’s because I’ve stopped breastfeeding. I’ve really struggled with sleep. I didn’t expect the struggle with sleep to be this hard.
Take time to take care of yourself.
The priority for the first few months is your child. Everything is ‘my baby, my baby’ needs to be well, needs to be fed. So you can forget to eat, to shower, all you want to do is be with your baby so it makes sense to have help.
You spend your days minding your child, so you’re not looking good, you’re not feeling like yourself. When you see yourself in the mirror, eh! Sweatpants and a T-shirt with milk stains for 3,4 months nonstop. You start to feel fake about yourself, about how you look.
Prioritise taking care of yourself.
It helps to have a good support system.
Unfortunately our parents live upcountry, so taking her to the grandparents is not an option. We have relatives here,but they’re either really busy, or they live far, so they’ve not really been an option for help.
My husband and I decided we didn’t want a help— we have issues with helps; generally having people in our space. We thought we could do it by ourselves, and also save some money, but it became so tiring.
A lot of times when my husband went to work, I had to choose between the baby, and using the bathroom, so many times I would have to take the baby with me to the bathroom.
It’s really had a toll on my body. The hard thing has been my body adjusting to doing all those things. I’ve been exhausted. It’s getting better. We now have a person who comes in to clean and cook, and we take our baby like once a week to daycare. When we need time off. Those systems help.
A solid support system is really important, people to help you, to talk to, other mums who might be going through the same thing who you can talk to genuinely, and who’ll give you honest feedback. That’s what will get you through the first year.
People need to talk more about pregnancy
Most people say, ‘You’ll find out when you’re there,’ when you ask questions. But really, you need to know, your mind needs to prepare for what’s coming. At least a glimpse. Especially things concerning giving birth. Like postpartum depression, gosh! I had it for a bit. It creeps up on you. It could be because you’ve just given birth, your hormones are all over the place, you’ve given birth, your body feels empty, also the transition from being pregnant for 9 months, to not carrying a baby anymore.
Also it could be because you’re practically neglecting yourself, to take care your child.
If you don’t attend postpartum depression immediately, it can drag on. I think people need to talk more about this.
Every child is different.
Even with all the information, every child is different. Your child won’t be the same as that of your friend. You can ask and get some advice on things to use, like pampers, wipes, where to buy clothes, but on the end the decision should be tailored to fit your family, and your child.
There’s this site called you baby centre where I could go to ask questions and read up on different things like postpartum, how to feed my baby, how to transition to solid food, life after one year, so many questions, so it helped to have that.
Overall, it’s been a journey of growth.
Gosh, I’m definitely not the same person. I’m now more sensitive towards the needs of people because I know what it’s like to take care of a person— a demanding person who also at the same time makes me so happy, and smile, and feel like I’ve made it in life haha.
I’m more sensitive, but I’ve also become more confident as a person— there are things you just can’t tell me. I speak up, I stand up to things that seem unfair. I don’t know if it’s the mamabear instinct they talk about.
Overall, motherhood is so wonderful. Would I recommend it for anyone? Haha. Well, each one according to his own. But to be able to give life, to make a person, it’s the most incredible thing.
How was I trusted with such a tremendous responsibility? How was I able to carry a baby and after nine months birth them? I mean.. it’s only God. I’m grateful that God chose me, and he saw me fit. Because I wouldn’t have chosen myself haha.
Sometimes at the end of the day I’m like, ‘No, I can’t do this anymore,’ but then I wake up, and I see her smile, I know that I’m ready, and I know that this is what I was called to do. Haha. It’s so fulfilling.
Satisfashionug@gmail.com
